


Words Unspoken

by ready_to_kick_some_ass



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, E-mail, Epistolary, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Letters, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Reunions, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, Therapy, Therapy Notes, post s5 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-05-24 10:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14953227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ready_to_kick_some_ass/pseuds/ready_to_kick_some_ass
Summary: The team finds Fitz in space. But after they return to earth, Fitz leaves.Alone in one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s old safe houses, he tries to put the pieces of his fragile mind back together.Following the advise of his therapist, he writes a letter to Jemma.Jemma writes back.And so they begin to rediscover their love through written words.





	1. Chapter 1 - Fitz's letter to Jemma

Dear Jemma,  
  
I can't sleep.  
It’s 4 a.m. It's raining without ceasing.  You know how much I like the sound of rain while laying in bed.  And normally it would make me fall asleep in a few moments.  
But today it isn't helping.  
  
Now I'm sitting at the table in a depressingly empty room, writing you a letter.  
  
My therapist said writing could help clear my mind.  
And since I miss talking to you, I decided to give it a try.  
  
I miss you so much Jemma.  
I miss _us_.  


I wish you were here with me. You would like it. A little hut in the middle of nowhere. There are so many different plants here. I'm sure you would know the name of each one. And a lot of animals are here too. This morning, a deer was standing right in front of me. It saw me. But it didn't flee. It rather seemed to be curious. Well, who knows how many times it has seen a human being so far. It somehow felt good, to see that it wasn't afraid of me. Does that make sense? Probably not.  
Sometimes it feels like nothing makes sense anymore.  
  
Jemma ...  
  
You don't have to answer me. I don't expect forgiveness for leaving you right after you found me. It was selfish and ungrateful. You've crossed the galaxy for me as I once did for you. You don't deserve this.  
  
But it was the only way.  
  
I want to try to explain it.  
  
When you told me about the things that happened while I was sleeping, I realized that I can't just wait and see what happens this time.  
I'm damaged, Jemma. That's a fact. I can sense it. I could already sense it after the framework. And when I spent six months in a cell, alone with me and my fragile mind, something inside me broke.  
  
My therapist has not yet made an official diagnosis, but I already have my suspicions. In prison I read a lot of books about mental illness. There are so many possible names for what's wrong with me. Posttraumatic stress disorder, psychosis, depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, - perhaps I'm constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown.  
I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.  
I don't want to hurt anyone.  
So it's better to stay away for now.  
  
At some point it's too much. At some point there comes a moment where you have to be honest with yourself. Where you have to stop running away from truths. Where you have to take actions.  
  
I need help, Jemma.  
And I need it now.  
I can't burden you with this. It wouldn't be fair.  
  
I can't live with the possibility of hurting you or someone from the team. What happened to Daisy sounds like a nightmare, but I've seen her look and the truth in it. It tears me apart to know that she is afraid of me, Jemma. If I could, I would undo everything. But I can't.  
  
Oh, Jemma. Everything is so absurd and sad.  
  
I live with memories that I don't have.  
Memories only you own.  
  
You're still mourning him, Jemma. It's so very obvious.  
You're mourning your husband.  
I am not him. I am not this man. I will never be him.  
  
I want you to have the chance to process what happened, Jemma.  
So please, talk to the team.  
Cry with them. Laugh with them about memories of better times.  
Tell them how you feel. Be honest. Tell them and let them help you.  
Because it's important that you take care of yourself, Jemma.  
  
Please don't worry about me.  
I'm not planning to harm myself. Also, the voices in my head have become much quieter. They are not gone, they are never far away, but they are easier to bear. I think that's mostly because of the medication. The sessions with my therapist - His name is Dr. Reid by the way. Like your favourite character in Criminal Minds! \- help too. More than I thought possible. And I have his emergency number, just in case.  
So I'm fine. Really. Don't worry.  
  
It feels good to do something. Feels like going into battle. And I think I can win it. Maybe.  
  
I will come back.  
I promise.  
  
Wait for me, if you can.  
If you can't, then be happy. Please.  
You deserve to be happy.  
You deserve all the happiness in the world and more. 

I'm sorry.  
  
I love you.  
Forever.

Fitz 


	2. Chapter 2 - Jemma's letter to Fitz

Dear Fitz,  
  
For a long time I didn't know how to start.  
  
There were too many thoughts in my head. Way too many words that wanted to be written all at once.   
To summarize them in one letter, to put them into order, seemed impossible.  


Well, this now is the outcome of many discarded trials.  
I hope it makes sense.  
  
Writing is always a bit difficult for me. I'm never satisfied with my thoughts fixed on paper.  
(You always were the better writer, Fitz. You're amazing at expressing yourself through written words. Remember the little notes we were leaving for each other in the lab? Yours made me cry every time. And by the way I still think the poem I once received in academy was from you. It was, wasn't it? Oh Fitz ...)

Of course I want to write you back. There was no way I wouldn't answer you, Fitz.   
I read your letter until I knew the words by heart. Thanks for letting me know how you are.  


I'll be honest to you, Fitz. I'll be honest although the truth might hurt you.  
I just have the feeling that honesty is more important now than ever.  
I'm worried about you. I'm so worried that it hurts. And the worries don't disappear. They can't disappear. They are part of my love.  
  
As I write these words, I'm trying to not soak the paper with tears. I didn't know it's possible to cry so much, Fitz.  
It just won't stop sometimes.  
  
And the guilt doesn't stop too. Or the anger. This strange anger at everything and nothing.  
That's my battle, I guess. All these thoughts that torment me.  
What could have been.  
What should have been.  
What could we have had.  
  
And I know, I should stop it.  
Because the things that happened can't be undone.  
But this fact doesn't help much.  
  
Sometimes I feel like a heavy weight is pushing me down.  
It makes everything difficult. Makes every movement a struggle.  
Maybe it's depression.  
  
I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea to find a therapist myself.  
I am very glad that you have found someone to talk to.  
I am sorry that you have to live with terrible things that you never did, never experienced. I can't imagine what it must feel like.  
But don't forget that the future isn't set.  
  
Something very important went wrong last time, Fitz.  
  
We wanted to save the world so much that we forgot to take care of our souls.  
You weren't fine. You were struggling and I'm so sorry we left you alone with it, love.  
I am so sorry.  
  
Fitz, as horrible, absurd and sad what happened is, maybe we can still see it as a kind of second chance.  
  
It's a shame that we need this chance.  
But now it is like it is.  
Do you understand?  
  
But I don't just want to talk about what happened. It's so painful.  
We need good things now. Things that show us that life is still full of hope.  
So I'll tell you a little about the small but lovely miracles that happen around me every day.  
  
Robin and her mother are with us at the moment.  
Robin has had many clear moments in the last few days. And she smiles a lot, Fitz. I think she's feeling better now, somehow.  
She gave me a picture yesterday.   
She drew both of us, standing under a starry sky, hand in hand.  
I asked her if this is a glimpse of the future.  
And she just squeezed my hand.  
She's an angel.  
  
Daisy is wonderful.  
She's always there for me.  
She helps with words and hugs. Sometimes with hot chocolate.   
She makes sure that I'm not staying in bed the whole day.  
Yesterday we baked cookies together.  
Daisy is terribly clumsy in the kitchen. She managed to pour the flour all over herself.  
I laughed.  
And I was almost a bit shocked about the noise. It sounded strange in my ears. But it felt good. For the first time in a long time, I felt jauntily.  
  
Mack and Yo-Yo spend a lot of time together. I think they have worked things out, you know?  
Anyway, they seem to be happy. And that's good. That's what matters.  
  
Mack talked to me about your decision for a long time.  
I had to stop him from looking for you.  
He was just about to get into the jet, Fitz.  
  
He misses you.  
Everyone misses you, Fitz.  
They all care about you.  
  
And when you come back, then as part of this family.  
As it always has been.  
That will never change.  
  
By the way: You will find an email address and a mobile number on the back of this page.  
You don't have to use them.  
Only if you really want to.  
I just thought it would make talking a bit easier.   
But if you want, we can go on like this. Don't feel pressured, alright?  
  
Oh Fitz. I miss you so much.  
  
I miss your voice. I miss your breath next to me when I fall asleep. I miss talking to you.  
Sometimes I think I can't do this. Sometimes I just want to know where you are. Sometimes I'm close to asking Daisy for help finding you. She would find you. She already offered to try.  And it was tempting to say yes. In all honesty, it was.  
  
But something in me keeps telling me that your decision is right.  
That it is, what we need right now.  
I trust you. And I accept your decision.  
And I will try to make the best of it.  
  
You said that you are not the man I married.  
You're right.  
What happened here, what happened to us, is strange and unfair.  
  
But I want you to never forget that you're the man I've fallen in love with. You are the man of my past and future. You are anything but a replacement or an anomaly.

Don't think for a second that anything changed about my feelings.  
  
You are the love of my life.  
You make me whole.  
You are my life, Fitz.  
  
We won't give up, will we?  We will fight and win together.  
We will get the future we wanted.  
Because we are Fitzsimmons, aren't we. Together or not at all.  
  
And whenever you need me, I'll be there.  
I will always be there.  
  
In love  
Jemma


	3. Chapter 3: Chat Record between Fitz and Jemma

Jemma?

 _Fitz._  
_Hey._  
_So you got the letter._

 _I'm so glad to hear from you, love._  
_How are you?_  
_Is everything alright?_

Yeah.  
I'm fine.  
  
...  
  
I'm sorry.  
It's quite late.  
You're probably already in bed, aren't you.

 _No it's fine._  
_I'm still in the lab._  
_Couldn't sleep_.  
_It's incredibly hot here._  
  
 

 

Oh. Okay.  
  
…  
  
Jemma.  
Thanks for your letter.  
And for the number.  
  
At first I wasn't sure about chatting.  
But I miss talking to you so much.  
This almost feels like you were here with me.  
But invisible.

 _I'm glad that you used the number._  
_And I know what you mean._  
_I feel the same._

 _If you want to, you can also call._  
_Just if you really feel like it._

 

I think

...

  
Would it be alright if we keep writing?  
At least for now.

_Of course Fitz.  
 _

Okay.

...

I've read your letter again.  
For the hundreth time I think.  
The poem was from me.

_I knew it!_

Back then, I somehow hoped that you would know it.  
But at the same time I wanted you to never figure it out.  
  
God, Jemma.  
  
I was an idiot.  
I still am.

 _Don't say that, Fitz!_  
_You were and you are the best man I know._  
_And you know, you made the difficult time at academy so much more bearable for me._  
_I don't know what I would have done without you._  
  
_It would have been lonely._

Yes.  
That's true.  
Very lonely.  
  
You know, this time seems so far away now.  
Sometimes it doesn't even feel real.

…

It's crazy.  
Where we are now ...  
I would never have thought that possible back then.   
But actually, nothing turned out as I expected.

 

_ I know.  
Life is way more unpredictable than we initially thought. _

Yeah.

…

Jemma?

_Yes?_

I'm afraid I wasn't completely honest with you.  
Please forgive me.

_What do you mean?  
_

…

…

 _Fitz._  
_You can tell me._  
_You can tell me everything, love_.

…

I  
I'm not feeling as well as I told you in the letter.  
Actually, I'm not feeling well at all, Jemma.

…

I didn't want you to worry.

…

I'm sorry.

 _Oh Fitz …_  
_Do you want to talk about it?_

…

…

I don't know.  
I don't know if I can do this to you.

 _Please, Fitz._  
_Tell me._  
_I want to be here for you._  
_If it helps you, tell me about it._  
_And yes, I will be worried._  
_Because I love you_.  
_And I want you to be fine._  
_So let me help you getting better._

Jemma  
I don't deserve you.

 _Yes you do._  
_You deserve me and I deserve you._  
_And sometime you will believe it yourself._

I hope so.

_So, are you going to tell me what's going on?_

…

…

Yes.

…

…

It's difficult to describe it with words.

…

But I'm going to try.  
  
I have nightmares now and then.  
About things that happened in the Framework. Or about things I don't remember but that happened anyway.  
That's not the worst. I can deal with them by now.  
Even the voices are not that bad anymore. If I hear her them at all, then they are so far away that I can easily shake them off.  
  
But the panic attacks, Jemma

…

The panic attacks are the worst.  
They come very sudden.  
Sometimes I feel like I'm not in my body during them.  
As if I'm there and not there.  
As if the world around me is ... wrong

…

  
And it's hard to get out of this.  
It's hard to get back to reality.  
Sometimes during these attacks I'm hurting myself without really noticing.  
Last time I bit my hand until it bled.

 _Fitz ..._  
_Did you talk with your therapist about this?_

Yeah.  
To be precise, I had to call the emergency number twice already.

_Oh Fitz …_

He showed me a few techniques I could try.   
I'm writing lists of things I know are real for example. They are everywhere in the flat.  
  
I hope it gets better.  
Because …  
To be honest, I'm afraid he will eventually tell me that I can't be alone.  
That he wants to admit me.  
  
But I don't want to be in a busy, stressful clinic.  
I need what I have right now.  
A certain amount of loneliness and peace.  
It's good as it is.  
So I have to get this under control somehow. 

_I understand._  
_How can I help?_

Talking to you feels good.  


Feels real.  
  
I think you're already helping.   
Right now.

 _Okay._  
_You can always write to me if you don't feel well, okay?  
Always._

…

I don't want to be a burden.

 _You're not._  
_Fitz ..._  
_Let us be honest with each other._  
_I want to be close to you._  
_As close as I can be at the moment._  
_ So don't push me away, alright? _  
_Please, love._

I  
Okay.  
I will tell you everything.  
Does the same go for you?

 _It does._  
_I promise._

Okay.  
Thanks Jemma.  
…

I think I have to sleep now.  
Can barely hold my eyes open.  
  
Talking to you helped a lot.  
I feel calmer now.   
Thank you.

 _Thanks for being honest with me, Fitz._  
_Goodnight._

_I love you._

I love you too.

…

Goodnight.


	4. Chapter 4: Jemma's letter to her deceased husband + Fitz's lists and notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter they aren't really talking to each other.
> 
> Jemma wrote a letter to the deceased Fitz, because she's trying to let the past go and work through her grief.  
> In this chapter you also find Fitz's "Real" and "Not real" lists, which were mentioned in the last chapter, and a few notes, which show how Fitz tries to deal with his fears and worries, as part of his therapy and healing process. 
> 
> I hope you're enjoying this story a bit :)  
> For me it's an interesting project, I will definitely write a few more chapters!  
> I'm sure, in the end they will meet and have a happy ending, don't worry <3

_ Jemma's letter to her deceased husband: _

  
  
Dear Fitz,  
  
this feels strange.  
But I think it's necessary.  
It's necessary that I write you this letter.  
Because I have something important to tell you.  
  
Three months have passed and it still hurts.  It hurts so much.  My heart breaks all over again when I think about how you had to go and that I wasn't with you.  
  
I'm sorry.  
I'm so, so sorry.  
  
Oh Fitz.  
You didn't deserve that.  
  
After all that you have gone through, after all you have done for us, for the team, for the world, you had to leave this world in a cruel and awfully random way.  
  
It hurts to think about it.  My pain consists of sadness and anger.  
These feelings are now well-known to me by now.  
At first I didn't know how to handle them.  
They almost tore me apart.  
  
But the team was there.  The team is always there.  
Mack's crying with me.  
May takes me to the gym, fighting invisible enemies with me.  
Daisy is there for me, with hot chocolate, hugs and woolen blankets.  
Piper and Davis cheer me up, whenever they can.  
  
They are all there.  
  
Coulson too.  In some way, he's always there. Exactly like you, Fitz.  
  
And after a long time, I am finally able to look at my grief and try to work through it properly.  
  
Fitz.  
You were my past.  
You were my husband.  
You were my life.  
  
Now the future lies ahead of me.  
  
And you have made a miracle possible for us through your courageous, incredible act.  
A second chance.  
It's strange and yet wonderful.  
It's hopeful and yet bitter.  
  
Bitter, because we need it at all.  
  
We woke your other self, who wanted to travel to the future to help us.  
We woke him up and he knows now what happened to you.  
He left because it was too much.  
And I let him.  I let him take the time he needs. And I let myself mourn for you.   
  
But I know that he and I will be together again.  Soon.  
We will live the future we were given.  


Therefore, forgive me, I have to finish with the past.  
  
I try not to feel guilty about letting you go, Fitz.   
  
I know you would want me to be happy.  
You would want me to go on.  
  
And I want to do that. I want to  go on.  
  
For after all that we have gone through, after all that the universe has done to bring us apart, we are still connected.  We are still together.  
  
This time it's different.  
This time we had to really lose ourselves.    
More than once.  
  
You are gone.  
Your other Self is gone too.  But in a different way.  
And I am here.  
  
He isn't you.  
He will never be you.  
He and I know that.  
We talked about it and recognized it as the truth.  
  
No one will ever be like you, Fitz.  
  
That's why I bid you farewell with this letter.  
I want to try to see this life as a second chance.  
Even if I let you go, I will never forget you.  
  
You will be in my heart forever.  With all your words, touches and actions you will always have a place in my heart.  Always.  
  
Goodbye, my love.  
Goodbye.  
  
In never ending love  
Jemma

 

*

_ Fitz's lists and notes: _

 

Not real:

  
The Doctor   
  
~~Ophelia~~   A.I.D.A.   
  
I grew up with my "father".   
  
I tortured Inhumans.  
  
I worked for Hydra.  
  
I betrayed the team.  
  
I am a worthless loser. 

I don't deserve Jemma because I am a bad person.

 

  
Real:   
  
Jemma  
  
My mother raised me and she taught me to be a good person.  
  
I am an engineer.  
  
I am S.H.I.E.L.D.  Agent.  
  
I'm valuable to the team and I've helped saving the world (more than once)  
  
I do deserve Jemma, her love and her trust

I am a good person. 

 

*  
  
  
Things that have happened but I don't remember:  
\- I found the team in the future  
\- I met my grandson  
\- I married Jemma  
\- I hurt Daisy while I had a psychotic split  
\- I died

 

*

  
  
I'm not like Ward.  
I'm not like my father.  
I'm not like the Doctor.  
I'm me. And I am a good person. 

  
  
  
The doctor is just in my head. He's a figment of my imagination.  I can fight him.  He doesn't control me.  
He doesn't control me.  


 

  
I'm not just a replacement for the version of me that died.  
Jemma loves me the way she did before.  
She didn't wake me up because she feels pity or because she feels compelled to love me.  
She loves me.

 

 

The future is not predetermined.  
I won't hurt Daisy again.  
I won't hurt anyone.  
~~I can prevent it.~~ I have to prevent it.  



	5. Chapter 5: Mails and Chat Record between Fitz and Jemma

Jemma,  
  
I'm quite sure you are still sleeping.  
It has just gotten bright here.  
But it's so foggy that I can't see the edge of the forest.  
The deer is back again.  I'm sure it's the same. It's standing still on the meadow, like it's lost in thoughts.  
  
You know, it's so peaceful out here that sometimes it seems surreal.  
  
I shouldn't be awake yet.  
I'm really trying to stick to my planned sleep schedule.  
But when I wake up, I can't fall asleep again.  
Too many thoughts in my head that keep me awake.  
Quite often they are bad.  
But today it's good thoughts.  
  
Thoughts of you and of everything we've experienced together.  
The time at the academy ...  
We were so young and naive.  
Constantly bored with the things we had to learn.  
Constantly looking for more.  For challenges.  
You even more than me.  
  
Do you remember how we had to do this certain project?  
It was the first time we really worked and talked together.  
It was terrible.  
We fought all the time. Mostly because of me.  
I'm sorry that I was so obnoxious.  
I didn't want to be. Not really. I just admired you from afar for a long time. And when you suddenly were near, I lost my nerves.  
You know that I have difficulties with social interaction.  
But you were patient with me.  
So unbelievable patient.  
Sometimes I'm still glad that you didn't let yourself be scared away.

Because never before did someone understand me like you did.  
Never before could I talk with someone the way I could talk to you.  
It always made my heart fill with joy when I saw you in the morning.  
  
This time seems so far away now.  
But it happened.  
And it was the beginning, wasn't it?  
  
Even though my mind sometimes wants to tell me that it didn't happen like this.  
Even when it shows me pictures of another life, a wrong life.  
I know the truth.  
  
I love you, Jemma.

~

Hello Fitz,  
  
Thanks for your mail.  
It's wonderful.  
It made me smile and my heart beating faster.  
I love you so much.  
  
I actually really was still asleep.  
  
Yesterday was a busy day. Daisy was almost petrified by an inhuman.  
She managed to calm him down in time and convinced him that we don't want to experiment on him or kill him. Now we are analyzing his powers. They are quite fascinating!  
  
You see: life isn't slow at all here.  
But still a lot more peaceful than a while ago.  
Daisy and I even managed to drink a coffee.  
We felt a little out of place at first. But after a while it was pretty funny.  
It was nice. It felt normal.  
But it would have been nicer if you were there ...  
  
Oh Fitz.  
How could I forget the time at the academy?  
What would I have done there without you?  
You know, sometimes I'm angry at myself when I look back at my behavior at that time. I can't believe that I tried to fit in for so long and so desperately. All these parties and dates and gossip.  
It was ridiculous.  
The music was too loud for me, the people too superficial and the conversations too boring. The boys were dull.  
  
The project we had to do together was the best thing that could happen.  
And yes, in the beginning I thought you couldn't stand me.  
But somehow I knew better.  
You couldn't have scared me off, Fitz.  
At this time we were already connected. Through an invisible bond.  
Everything was better with you.  
  
I love you too.  
Words can't express how much.  
I feel it every second of my life.  
And when we're together again, I'll show you.

 

*

 

Jemma?

...

Jemma  
Can you  
  
...

I'm sorry.

 _Fitz?_  
_I'm sorry_  
_I was in the shower_  
_..._  
  
_Love, are you alright?_

No  
I don't think so

_What's going on?_

...

 _Fitz_  
_Talk to me, love_  
_Please_

I  
I heard him  
I don't know why  
He was suddenly there again  
...

He  
He was so loud, Jemma

 _He isn't real Fitz_  
_He can't do anything to you okay?_

...

_What did he say?_

That it would be better if he was in control  
Because he isn't weak  
Because  
Because he could protect you

...  
  
Now he's gone  
But  
I don't know what to do  
I don't know  
if this is real

...  
  
Am not sure

 _It's real Fitz_  
_We're talking right now_  
_Our words_  
_They are real, aren't they?_

I

...  
  
Yeah  
They are real  
  
Jemma  
I did something stupid

 _Okay_  
_It's okay_  
_Did you hurt yourself?_

No  
But I threw a glass against the wall  
There are shards everywhere on the ground now

...

  
I'm an idiot  
Stupid

 _Fitz_  
_Don't say that_  
_What can I do to help you?_

 

Just  
Talk to me

 _Okay_  
_ Do you remember the one time I locked me out? _

Yeah

 _We didn't know each other long_  
_But I didn't know where to go_  
_So I knocked at your door_

You didn't knock Jems  
You simply teared the door open

 _Well_  
_ You never locked your door  
And I didn't catch you on something embarrassing, did I? _

No  
but you could have  
it was rude

 _Okay_  
_Fine_  
  _Maybe it was a little_ _rude_  
_But_  
_ You were eating pizza on your bed and asked me wide-eyed AND full mouth what's going on ... _

Touché  
  


_ You immediately said yes when I asked you if I could stay with you _

Of course  
What else was I supposed to do?

 _And then you offered me the bed_  
_You wanted to sleep on the floor_  
_Although it was freezing cold_  
_But I said we could share the bed_

Yeah  
We have never been so close before

 

 _You snored_  
_Loudly_

I didn't!

_You did_

Fine  
I did  
…  
  
I'm still surprised I was able to sleep at all  
With you next to me

_Did I make you nervous?_

Nervous is an understatement  
I thought for a moment that I was about to hyperventilate  
Or that I would just stop breathing

...  
  
Jemma ...  
I already knew it back then   
I knew it

 _Me too Fitz_  
_Somehow_  
_I knew it too_

Why did it take us so damn long then?

 _Maybe we were just scared_  
_ Scared of what could happen if we would defer to this deep connection _

Yeah  
Were we right about being scared? 

_Yes and no_  
_Terrible things happened_  
_Unfair things_  
_But Fitz_  
_What is important is what we have won_

...  
  
_I couldn't live without you_

And me not without you

_Do you feel better now?  
_

Yeah  
I do  
Thanks Jemma

_You should talk to your therapist nevertheless_

I rather speak to you

_Fitz_

Yeah  
Fine  
I'll call him okay?

 _Okay_  
_Is it that difficult?_  
_Do you really get along with him?_

Yes  
He's alright  
And really good  
But

...  
  
The last session was very difficult for me  
The conversation came to my father  
I haven't talked about him for so long  
And then it overwhelmed me  
All the rage  
And the disappointment  
Mixed with those false memories I have  
About the life in the Framework

...  
  
It was confusing  
It was terrifying  
When I'm talking to Dr. Reid, I sometimes feel like all the old wounds are starting to reopen, Jemma  
I know that it has to be  
I have to go through this  
But it's so damn painful

 _Oh Fitz_  
_I wish I could do something_

You are already doing enough  
Talking to you makes me feel whole again

...

Jemma  
Whom are _you_ talking to?

 _Daisy_  
_She's a good listener_  
_And a great hugger_

Okay  
That's good

...  
  
I'm going to clean the floor now  
And then I'm going to call Dr. Reid

 _Okay_  
_We'll talk again soon, alright?_  
_Just write me_  
_Whenever you want or need to_

I will  
I love you Jemma

_I love you too Fitz_


	6. Chapter 6: Dr. Reid's Notes on Fitz and Session Transcript

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was tough to write ...  
> Literally took me ages to finish this and be somewhat satisfied with it *sigh*  
> This first POV thing (which I almost never do) really isn't easy for me. But interesting!
> 
> This chapter contains Dr. Reid's notes on Fitz from their first meeting, and one session transcript.  
> It's the transript from the session Fitz was talking about to Jemma in Chapter 5. That one in which he has to talk about his father and it ... doesn't go well.  
> You'll see. 
> 
> Please note that I'm NOT a professional.  
> I did research, have some psychology courses at uni and very few own experiences.  
> If something borders you, tell me! <3

**Robert Reid, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist

Client Name: Fitz, Leopold James  
Date:  Wednesday, 19/07/2018   
Appointment Time:  9:00 AM  
Session Format: Individual

 **Mood:** [  ]Normal  [X] Anxious [X] Depressed [  ] Angry [  ] Euphoric  
**Affect** : [  ] Appropriate [  ] Intense [  ] Blunted [  ] Incongruent [X] Labile  
**Mental Status:** [  ] Normal [  ] Memory difficulty [X] Concentration Difficulty     
[X] Disoriented [  ] Other: ________________________________________  
**Suicide/Homicide Risk Assessment**  
Client demonstrates current risk. [X] Yes  [  ] No  
Notes: Fitz mentioned suicidal thoughts, which occur mainly after panic attacks (For further information see Summary of Session Notes)  
Response to Treatment Intervention(s), this session (check all that apply)  
[X]Cooperative [  ] Responsive [  ] Good prognosis  [  ] Passive [  ] Guarded [  ] Defensive  [  ] Resistant  [  ]Suspicious [  ] Lacks insight  
**Next appointment scheduled for:** Friday  at  9:00 AM

** Summary of Session Notes: **

Fitz seemed to be very exhausted. He could hardly focus on questions and was often distracted.  
He was restless and often avoided eye contact.  
   
When I asked him, what brought him to me, he needed a while to answer.    
He said, that he needs to get better quickly, because he needs to be there for his girlfriend ( _Note: Jemma Simmons_ ), but at the moment he thinks he’s too damaged to be around her.  
  
When I’m asked him about his current symptoms, he described the following things:  
\- insomnia  
\- nightmares  
\- panic attacks  
\- anxiety  
\- mood swings  
\- restlessness  
\- hallucinations: Currently only auditory, in the past also visual.  
\- depressive thoughts  
\- suicidal thoughts: He was very determined to stress that he doesn’t intend to actually harm himself, and it seemed that he was angry at himself for even mentioning the symptom, which seems to occur mainly after panic attacks. ( _Note: possible danger to himself_ )  
\- feelings of worthlessness

When our conversation turned to his background, it became apparent that Fitz went through an alarming amount of psychological trauma over the last years, which he never could process.

He talked very shortly and evasively about his childhood. His mother single-raised him after his alcoholic father left when he was ten.  
  
While he was working for S.H.I.E.L.D., he suffered a traumatic brain injury, after someone he considered as a friend this time ( _Note: apparently it was never easy for him to make friends, what made that incident especially painful_ ), betrayed his team and dropped Fitz and Jemma, who were trapped in a pod, in the ocean.

Fitz made the decision to save Jemma’s life and give his own. But Jemma saved Fitz and after a coma of nine days, he woke up.  
Jemma left to work undercover. In this time Fitz had hallucinations for the first time. He hallucinated Jemma talking to him. The visible hallucinations disappeared later.  
He still sometimes shows the symptoms of his brain injury, mainly when he’s anxious, stressed or agitated. Symptoms are aphasia and a tremor in his hand.

Over the time Fitz went through difficult, stressful situations like being repeatedly separated from Jemma ( _Note: Who seems to be the most important person in his life_ ), being threatened or having to kill someone.

He also said that he was able to help his team a lot. This thought seemed to make him happy. He was smiling for the first time, while talking about the things they achieved because of his work and how he even made a prosthetic hand for his director. ( _Note: Agent Phil Coulson_ ).

Helping people seems to be what drives Fitz.  
He spent a lot of time talking about this.

The next immensely traumatic experience was being thrown into an alternate reality ( _Note: "Framework"_ ). In there Fitz lived through another version of his life. He was another person there - a bad person, was what he said. He didn’t lose the memories of this other life. Instead, he now has memories of two lifes. Shortly after leaving the alternate reality, he started to feel that something was wrong with him.

After this his team somehow disappeared, and he was arrested, put in isolation, where he started to have auditory hallucinations. Instead of hallucinating Jemma, like he did after his brain injury, he heard the person he was in the Framework ( _Note: "The Doctor"_ ).

After escaping the prison cell with the help of a friend, he wanted to find his team. Therefore, he froze himself, to travel into the future. But then he was woken up by his team and told, that he made it to the future, helped them to save the world and died. ( _Note: I didn't quite catch this whole time travel and time changing thing. Confusing. Might have to ask again._ )  
This means that Jemma and the team have memories Fitz doesn’t have, about things he did, but now doesn’t know about, including having a psychotic split and hurting a member of his team.

This finally lead him to the decision to leave the team and seek help.  
He went to one of S.H.I.E.L.D.S.’s old safe houses, without telling Jemma, which seems to burden him a lot. But he said, that Jemma needs time to mourn and process everything, and that his presence would only make her pain worse.

Fitz is obviously under a lot of stress. He thinks that he’s about to lose control to the hallucination, which he seems to regard as an actual person ( _Note: which is a huge problem_ ). He also said, that he isn’t always sure what’s real and what isn’t, since he mixes up memories of his own life and the life in the Framework – especially while being in a panic attack.

After Fitz told me about his symptoms and his background, we came to the concrete aspects of therapy.

I asked him, what his main goals are.  
Fitz said the same thing as in the beginning: He wants to get better, so that he can return to Jemma.  
He also said that he wants to get rid of the hallucination, so he wouldn’t be a danger to anyone.  
( _Note: Everything he said was centred around either Jemma or the team. It fits the impression I have of his self-perception_ )

We discussed some general things, like rules for conversations, my pledge of secrecy and times for appointment, as well as duration and frequency.

We also discussed medication.  
He was sceptical but cooperative, when I told him that he needs it at least for the hallucinations and in case of severe panic attacks. He said that he is alright with taking them, as long as they help him to get better for Jemma.  
_(Note: Again, Fitz was focused on his environment, more than he is on his well-being.  
He seems to see “getting better” as a task he has to accomplish, to be able to go back to his loved ones again_ _._ )

Regarding his symptoms, I asked him, if he would consider an inpatient treatment. His reaction was quite defensive.  
He is very determined to be on his own and to make clear, that he can take care of himself.  
  
I made it clear to him, that he will have to follow some rules, since his suicidal thoughts imply that he could be a danger to himself and could lead to him being sectioned in case his state worsens.

The rules involved calling an emergency number in case of severe panic attacks and the urge to hurt himself.    
He appeared to be quite irritated by my stressing of this aspect, but he agreed to my conditions.  
  
I then asked him about any conditions he has, any wishes or questions.  
  
He thought about it for a few minutes, until he said, that he just wants to be better as soon as possible.  
Since this is a dangerous viewing of therapy ( _Note: it can lead to frustration, when no immediate improvement is noticeable_ ), I pushed him to think about other possible things he has in mind. Finally he said, that he doesn’t want to take medication, if it affects his ability to think and work on his projects. To which I agreed and said he has to tell me immediately about any side effects.  
After some hesitation he also asked, when he will know that he can stop therapy. I said, that it’s impossible to know how long it takes, that it's a process which has several phases.   
He seemed to be frustrated but didn’t ask further.  
  
In the end we made another appointment for Friday.  

 

*

 

**Session Transcript**

  
Hello, Fitz.  
How are you?

 _Alright._  
_But I think I might be developing a cold._  
_My throat feels scratchy._

 

Ah. Must be the time for colds right now.  
I actually had a cold last weekend. I guess one of my sons passed it on to me.  
I hope you won’t get too sick.  
Colds are annoying.

_Yes, they are._

So, how are things going right now?

 _Not too bad, I guess._  
_I talked to Jemma again._  
_We started to chat._  
_I … I talked to her, about the, uh, about my issues._  
_I was honest although I didn’t want to worry her._  
_It was helping._  
_I felt better afterwards._

That sounds great.    
Sounds like an approach, right?

_I … I think so._

Good.  
Were you able to follow your schedules?

 _Yeah, I did._  
_I slept seven hours._  
_Ate three times._  
_Drank 2 or 3 litres water._  
_Took my medication._

Good.  
How does reaching your daily goals make you feel?

 _I …_  
_Um, I don’t know._  
_I do it because it’s necessary, I guess?_  
_It’s just like work._  
_I’m working on being better._

I see.  
And are you satisfied with your work?

 _Mostly yes._  
_But sometimes it still goes too slow._  
_Sometimes I feel like nothing goes forward._  
_It’s … It’s like not being able to finish an important project, you know?_  
_I try not to … but sometimes I get angry at myself for being so slow._

That experience can be frustrating.    
Try to remember that healing is a process and it can have its interruptions or setbacks.  
You’re still accustoming to the medication, it’s something like a first phase, you know?  
Be patient with yourself.

 _Mh._  
_I’m trying._

 Did you have any panic attacks since we’ve last met?

 _Yes. There was one yesterday._  
_But … it wasn’t that bad._  
_I could … I used the breathing techniques to get out of it. The ones you showed me._  
_Worked quite well._

That’s good to hear.  
How did it make you feel, that you were able to get yourself out of it?

_Relieved._

Okay.  
Do you want to try to describe the panic attack like we did last time?

 _Um._  
_It started with that feeling … the feeling of not being there._  
_My head was somewhat empty and it felt like I’m drifting away._  
_Everything became blurred around me and the noises were muffled._

Were you thinking something?

 _Yeah._  
_I thought I would wake up … um … there, you know._

In the Framework?

 _Yes. The Framework._  
_I thought maybe I never left it._  
_That I was still there but dreaming or something._  
_And … and I will wake up there and be him, hurting people …_

What happened then?

 _I tried to calm down._  
_I … I used the breathing technique and managed to not, uh, hurt myself._

Good. It’s good that you  
How did you feel after the panic attack?

 _Exhausted._  
_But … but also angry._  
_I was angry at myself._

Why?

 _Because I still can’t stop being scared._  
_I should be able to … to know what’s real and what’s not._  
_But it just keeps happening._  
_I hate it._

You went through a lot of traumatic experiences.  
The panic attacks are a result.  
They won’t just disappear.  
By being angry at yourself, you’re denying yourself

_I know._

Is the Framework always dominating your panic attacks?

 _I think so._  
_It … it had such a great impact on me._  
_Not on the others I think._  
_Just on me._  
_The memories I have about my life there … they are confusing. Terrifying. I don’t want them._  
_But they won’t disappear …_

Like the memories about people who had an important impact on you there?  
Your father, for example?

 

 _I …_  
_I don’t want to talk about him._

Why?

 _I … it’s not necessary, is it?_  
_He’s not part of my life anymore._  
_He’s … I don’t even know if he’s still alive._  
_I don’t care._

You seem to have strong emotions in regard to him.

 _I …_  
_Yeah. Maybe?_  
_Maybe I have strong emotions._  
_Maybe because he … because he left me and made me think I wasn’t enough?_  
_Maybe because the alcohol was more important to him than me and my mother?_  
_Mabye because …_  
_Um._  
_I’m sorry._  
_Sorry._  
_I didn’t want to get so loud, Doctor Reid._  
_Apologizes._

It’s alright, Fitz.  
He verbally abused you?

 _He called me worthless. Stupid._  
_Weird._  
_I …_  
_I hate that his words have such an impact on me._  
_I hate that I still sometimes think I’m useless and then I hear his damn voice._  
_I hate him for being such a …_  
_Why couldn’t he just been there?_  
_In the Framework he was._  
_But …_  
_But that wasn’t right either._  
_I don’t know_.

 

In the Framework he wasn’t alcoholic or abusive?

 _He wasn't alcoholic._  
_But I think …_  
_I think he was still verbally abusive._

_I …_

  
_I think I remember him saying that I’m a disappointment, for not, um …_  
_I messed up a mission._  
_Didn’t manage to kill the target?_

_He screamed at me …_

_He …_

_I …_

Fitz?

  
Fitz, can you hear me?

  
Alright.  
Take some deep breaths for me.  
In and out.  
Breathe with me.

That’s it.

Here, drink some water.

Do you know where you are right now?

 _Yeah._  
_I …_

  
_I’m sorry._

You don’t have to be.  
You had a panic attack.  
I think we shouldn’t take this conversation further today.  
Do you want to lie down for a while?

_If that’s okay._

Sure.

_Doctor Reid?_

Yes?

_Do you think I’m even strong enough to overcome this?_

Yes I do.  
You will get better.  
You’re already improving, even if you may not really notice.  
But you really have to try to be not so hard on yourself.  
And you have to try to get better not only for other people, Fitz, but for your own well-being.  
You have to think of yourself more often.  
Can you do this?

 _I think I can try._  
  
_I’m … very tired._

You can rest for a while here on the couch.  
When you feel able to, you can go home, alright?

 _Alright._  
_Thank you._

You’re quite welcome Fitz.

(End of Transcript)


	7. Chapter 7: Chat Records between Fitz and Jemma + Dr. Reid's notes and session transcript

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a few chat records between Jemma and Fitz, as well as more of Dr. Reid's notes on Fitz, plus the transcript for the relevant session. 
> 
> After this chapter there will be two more - but they will be different. With more text again xD

Good morning Fitz.  
I just dreamed about the cottage in Perthshire.  
You know, the one I was always talking about when we pictured our future life?

 _Good morning Jemma._  
_You did?_  
 

Yes.  
It was so real.

_Tell me about it._

It was lovely.  
Small but so cozy.  
With grey bricks and ivy around the windows.  
And there was a big garden, with apple trees and wildflowers everywhere.  
It was only us, together with some pets.  
A few dogs and cats.

_A few? Really?  
_

Oh yes. You can't have enough pets, can you?  
And around us were the green hills of Scotland.  
Beautiful.  
We did nothing else but sitting on the porch, watching sunset after sunset, holding hands.

_That sounds perfect._

Right?  
Oh Fitz.  
Do you think it could be real?

_Do you want it to be real?_

Yes.  
And you?

_Yeah._

*

Daisy and me were talking about the bus today.

 _Oh._  
_Good old times._

Yeah.  
You remember the prank war?

 _How could I forget that?_  
_Or all the movie nights._

Yes!  
You remember Coulson always saying he’s too old for it and has so many more important things to do, when we asked him to join us?

_Yeah.  
But then he almost always ended up with us on the couch, rambling about his favourite scenes._

It was lovely.  
I mean, sure it was dangerous from time to time.  
But what we had.  
The team.  
It was lovely.

 _It was._  
_What a shame that it had to end like it did._

Yes.  
Oh Fitz.  
We were so young.

_And naive._

But not in a bad way I think.

 _No. Not in a bad way_.

*

 

_Jemma_

Fitz  
Hey love  
Good morning  
How are you?

 _Scared_  
_I’m sorry_  
_I don’t want to worry you_  
_but_  
_it’s this thing again you know_  
_feels like being not real_

 

Panic attack?

_Yeah_

Okay  
Try to stay calm alright?  
Breathe slowly  
And maybe drink some water  
Do you want to tell me what’s happening?

 _I was in the kitchen_  
_Wanted to make toast_  
_Something made me think of the Framework_  
_But I don’t know what_  
_And I felt wrong_

 _I saw dead people Jemma_  
_I’m still seeing them  
_  
_I killed them_

You didn’t Fitz  
That are the false memories AIDA gave you  
It’s not real

_What if it will be real one day?_

It won’t  
You’re not the man from there  
You’re you  
A good and kind man  
The man I fell in love with  
You’re not a torturer or murderer

_The Doctor says otherwise_

You mean your hallucination

 _Yeah_  
_Sorry_  
_I forgot_  
_Not a real person_  
_Just a voice in my stupid head_  
_Just another sign I’m broken and weak_

Fitz no  
Don’t say that  
You know it’s not true  
You’re not broken  
You’re so strong for doing therapy and fighting your trauma, for being where you are now

 _Sorry_  
_It’s just_  
_Sometimes I get so frustrated_  
_It feels like I’m not making progress as quick as I should_

Oh Fitz

 _But you help_  
_You helped again_  
_It feels better now_  
_Thanks Jemma_

I could help you so much better if I were with you  
  
Fitz  
I think I can’t do this anymore  
I need to see you  
It hurts so much to not be able to hear your voice, to touch you  
  
Please  
Will you tell me where you are?

 

 

 _Jemma no_  
_You don’t want that  
_  
_It’s not_  
  
_I don’t want to be a burden to you_  
_You have been through enough_

Fitz  
You could never be a burden to me  
I know that the things that happened scare you  
But nothing of it changed how I feel for you  
I love you  
You’re the man I want to spend my life with  
Please let me see you  
Let me show you

 _I don’t know, Jemma_  
_I want to see you too_  
_But  
_  
_I don’t know if I’m ready_

Will you tell me when you are?

 _I don’t know_  
_I’m sorry Jemma_

Don’t be  
It’s okay  
Take all the time you need  
But please remember that I'll always be there when you need me  
Remember we are a team, okay?

 _I will_  
_Goodnight Jemma_

Goodnight Fitz

 

*

Client Name: Fitz, Leopold James  
Date Monday, 06.08.2018   
Appointment Time:  9:00 AM  
Session Format: Individual

 **Mood:** [  ]Normal  [X] Anxious [  ] Depressed [X] Angry [  ] Euphoric  
**Affect** : [  ] Appropriate [  ] Intense [  ] Blunted [  ] Incongruent [X] Labile  
**Mental Status:** [  ] Normal [  ] Memory difficulty [X] Concentration Difficulty     
[  ] Disoriented [  ] Other: _____Signs of sleep deprivation___________________________________  
**Suicide/Homicide Risk Assessment  
** Client demonstrates current risk. [X] Yes  [  ] No  
Notes: Although Fitz doesn’t show any signs of suicidal thoughts at the moment, he still tends to hurt himself as a way of escaping panic attacks, when the breathing and calming techniques don’t help quick enough. Therefore, I’m not feeling comfortable enough yet, to exclude a current risk. **  
Response to Treatment Intervention(s), this session (check all that apply)  
** [X]Cooperative [  ] Responsive [  ] Good prognosis  [  ] Passive [  ] Guarded [  ] Defensive  [  ] Resistant  [  ]Suspicious [  ] Lacks insight  
**Next appointment scheduled for:** Friday  at  9 AM

Further notes:

Fitz showed up to the session clearly agitated and distressed. He showed signs of intense stress, his hand was shaking more than usual, and he stammered. Furthermore, he admitted that he barely slept, which made it difficult for him, to express his thoughts. Especially in the beginning he tended to nonverbal answers or one-word answers today more than usual, but later he was rather rambling.

Furthermore he was often insecure and had mood swings.

Trigger seemed to be a talk with his girlfriend Jemma (see transcript).

**Session Transcript**

  
Hello Fitz.  
Good to see you again.

_Mmh._

How are you feeling today?

 _Tired._  
_Didn’t sleep much._  
_Sorry. I tried. But couldn’t._

Do you know the reason?

 _I think so. Yes._  
_Um._  
_It’s Jemma._

Your girlfriend.

 _Yeah._  
_She … she wants to see me._  
_She said she, um, she can’t do this anymore. Being separated._

You were chatting again?

_Yeah._

And something happened that made her say that?

_Mmh._

What happened, Fitz?

 _A, a panic attack._  
_I … I wrote to her, because it, um, helped last time._  
_She said, she could help me better, when she was, um, with me._

And what do you think about this?

_I … I don’t think it’s a good idea._

Why?

 _I’m not … I’m …_  
_I’m still sick._  
_I’m not getting better as quick as I thought. As I wanted to._

We talked about this before, Fitz.  
When we set your goals.  
Therapy won’t make your trauma disappear.   
It’s about to learn healthy ways to deal with it, not letting it control your life and ...

_I know!_

But you don’t feel good about it?

 _No._  
_Makes me … um … a, a, angry._  
_I’m sorry._  
_This makes me angry too._

This?

 _The stuttering._  
_I sound like a, a, um … idiot._  
_It should be better by now._  
_It still comes back._

Do you know why?

_I think, because I’m, um … stressed. Yeah. I’m stressed._

What makes you stressed?

 _I want to see Jemma too._  
_But …_  
_But I can’t tell her where I am._

Why are you so determined to stay away from her?

 _Don’t want her to be sad because of me._  
_She will be._  
_Because I’m … I’m pathetic._  
_No._  
_Sorry._  
_I didn’t … I shouldn’t say this._  
_I’m not well enough yet._  
_And …_  
_I think I’m scared._  
_Scared that she … that she could look at me differently now._

Differently? Why?

_You know why._

You don’t want to talk about it?

_Not … not about that._

_No._

Fitz.  
Remember to breathe.  
Do you need another glass of water?

 _Yeah._  
_Can you … can you open the window?_

Of course.  
Let’s take a five-minute time out, alright?

 _Alright._  
_Sorry._

No need to apologize.

(Five Minute Break.)

  
So it’s stressing you to think about Jemma seeing you now.

_Yeah._

But it’s also stressing you to not have her around, right?

 _Yes._  
_Yes it does._  
_Maybe it was a mistake to even start writing with her_  
_Now she knows about … about the panic attacks and all._  
_Now she has to worry about me all the time._  
I _can’t stand the thought._  
_So maybe it would … maybe I should go to that clinic after all._  
_When I tell her that I’m not alone in a hut in the forest, she will stop worrying, right?_

 

So you rather want to change to inpatient treatment than trying to let her back into your life?

 _I … I don’t know._  
_I don’t know what to do._  
_It’s too much._  
_I want to see her._  
_But I don’t want to burden her with me._  
 

You’re talking a lot about how your current state would affect Jemma.  
But how do you think Jemma’s presence would affect you?

 _Um._  
_She …_  
_Well, she’s always making everything better. Lighter. Easier to bear._  
_I think she would help with the panic attacks and the nightmares._  
_Because she always seems to know what to say, to make it better._  
_And when she smiles at me, I feel … I feel safe?_  
_Oh God._  
_I miss her so much._  
_It hurts._  
_It hurts so much to know she’s far away._  
_But …_  
_I can’t. I can’t do this to her._

But when you try to see it from her point of view, what do you think she’s feeling right now?

  
_She’s sad now because she misses me._  
_Because … because she, well, she loves me._  
_She says so._

And you believe her?

 _Um._  
_I think so._  
_Sometimes it’s difficult to understand why.  
Because I feel like ... like she deserves better._  
_But right now._  
_Yeah. I believe her._

And do you really think it would make her only sad or worried to see you again?

 _Um._  
_No._  
_I think she will also be happy. I would be happy too. Of course._  
_But you know, she’s maybe still not over what happened to, to … um, her husband._

But maybe by now, it would be easier to deal with everything together?

 _Could be._  
_Um. You think I should do it, right?_  
_Tell her where I am._  
_Let her see me._

Well you could try it in small steps. First you could arrange a meeting somewhere neutral, you understand? Maybe in a café. And then concentrate on how you’re feeling being around her.

 _This, um, doesn’t sound so bad._  
_I think I could do that._  
_Maybe?_

Think over it, alright?  
We still have some time left, but I think it’s enough for today, isn’t it?

_Yeah._

Okay.  
Goodbye Fitz.

 _Goodbye._  
_And thanks._

**(End of Transcript)**

*

_Jemma_

Hey love  
What did you do today?

 _Not much_  
_I was thinking_

Thinking?

 _About us._  
_You know,_  
_I talked to Dr. Reid yesterday_  
_And he said_  
_I could try to do it in small steps_

You have to be a bit more specific darling  
What is it that you can try to do in small steps?

_Seeing you_

  
So you want to?

 _Yes_  
_I really want to_  
_I want to see you so much that it hurts_  
_But at the same time I’m scared_

You don’t need to be scared love  
Altough I have to admit that I’m nervous too

…

But Fitz  
We will be fine  
Okay?  
We will be fine love

…

Fitz?

…

Fitz please  
What’s going on?

…

If you don’t write me back in the next three minutes I tell Daisy to find you  
You know she can

…

I will do it

J _emma_

_Don’t_

_I’m sorry_  
_It was just too much for a moment._  
_I think I panicked_  
_Had to calm down  
_

Oh Fitz  
I wish I could be with you now  
Taking that fear away from you

 _I always imagine you were there_  
_It helps_

 _Jemma_  
_I can’t do this anymore too_  
_I need to see you_

Please love  
Please  
Tell me where you are  
Let me come to you

_Okay_


	8. Chapter 8: Reunion

Jemma looks at herself in the mirror, breathing in deeply.  
Her eyes reflect what she’s feeling.  
A nervous, yet pleasant anticipation, mixed with hope, so much hope.  
She’s going to see Fitz today.

After all this time ... they will finally be reunited.  
She doesn't know if she's ready.  
Can she _ever_ be ready?

“You’re okay?” A voice rips her out of her thoughts.

Jemma flinches slightly, turning her head, seeing Daisy standing in the door.

“Yes. I’m just … I’m very excited,” Jemma says, fumbling with her hair restlessly.

Daisy smiles at her understandingly. She admires Jemma in her blue dress, her eyes sparkling in happy approvement.  
“Girl, you look stunning,” she tells Jemma. “And you don’t need to be scared. Everything’s going to be alright. You are Fitzsimmons. You belong together.”

Jemma smiles at her.  
“Thanks Daisy,” she says quietly.

She looks herself in the eyes one last time, hopeful determination replacing the slight fear in them.

_It’s going to be alright._

*

There he is.

She gasps when she sees him.  
It’s overwhelming.  
Her heart starts to beat faster and she feels a bit dizzy.

He’s standing in front of a hut, on a meadow covered in colourful wildflowers.  
Jemma’s eyes look him up and down, trying to see everything of him at once.  
He’s thinner, she notes.  
And his hair is longer. The curls are back, making him look so very young.  
There’s a small, crooked smile on his face.  
But she can clearly see the tension in his body. The anxiety in his eyes.

He looks like he’s on the verge of fleeing right back into his hut.

All Jemma wants is to pull him into her arms and hold him tight forever.  
But she has enough composure to guess, that this wouldn’t be the best of ideas.  
So she gathers herself, walking towards him with slow, small steps.

Fitz waits for her, fumbling with his hands nervously.  
And when she stands right in front of him, he breathes in deeply.  
“Jemma,” he whispers.

“Hello Fitz,” she says quietly, feeling tears burning in her eyes.

So long …  
She waited for so long.

In seconds, old and new feelings rush through her all at once.  
The grief of losing him.  
The joy of finding him.  
The desperation of letting him leave.  
The hope to be with him again.

Hope.

“Jemma,” Fitz says again. It sounds like a prayer.

He makes a small movement, as if he wants to get closer to her, but something holds him back.  
She looks at him, trying to tell him with her eyes, that it’s alright.  
That she’s there now.  
That they can stop being afraid.

And finally, he pulls her into a careful hug.  
Jemma exhales shakily, laying her hand on his shoulder, closing her eyes.  
Fitz’s hands roam over her back, as if he’s trying to make sure, she’s really there.

“I missed you so much,” he whispers in a broken voice. “You can’t imagine … You were in my dreams. All the time.”

“You were in mine too,” Jemma tells him.

_And now you’re back in my reality._

*

The café is nice.  
Small and cozy. Light blue walls and purple lilac on the windows.  
They are almost alone.  
Only two more couples are there, holding hands, whispering to each other.

Fitz orders her favourite coffee for her, just as if it was a normal day back in their academy times. And just like back then, he orders green tea for himself.

When the drinks arrive, he immediately curls a hand around the warm glass in front of him, as if he needs something to hold on.  
Jemma sees his hand shaking slightly.  
She swallows.

“How are you?” She asks him.

Fitz shrugs.  
“There are good and bad days. And those in the middle,” he mumbles.

“What is it today?” She carefully asks.  

Fitz looks at her. He seems surprised.  
“You are here,” he says as if that would explain everything. “So of course, it’s a good one. The best day of the week, actually.” He looks aside almost shyly.

Jemma feels a warm glow in her stomach at his words. She smiles.  
“I can stay,” she says quietly. “You don’t have to be alone anymore. I told you.”

Fitz swallows. He stares into his tea.  
“Jemma,” he says. “I’m not … I don’t know if I’m ready. This sounds horrible. And it really isn’t your fault. But … I’m not sure I can handle it now. I need to … to process this first. To look how I _feel_ , um, you understand?”

She nods.    
“It’s alright, Fitz. You can take all the time you need,” she tells him, although she can’t help but feeling sad about the thought of being separated from him again.  
She never wants to say goodbye again ...

“Thank you,” Fitz murmurs. He takes a sip of his tea.

Jemma smiles at him.  
She can’t take her eyes off his face.  
It feels so good to be with him again. It makes her feel completed.

They hesitantly start to talk about a few things.  
Jemma tells Fitz about the team and their experiences in the last weeks. She tells him about Daisy and Piper. How they slowly started flirting, dating, until they suddenly were walking around, holding hands, happy smiles on their faces. Fitz is surprised but he smiles and says, he’s happy for Daisy.

Fitz tells Jemma more about his quiet life in the forest. About the animals he’s observing from time to time and the notes about possible future projects he’s writing down, when his head is clear enough for it.

They avoid talking further about Fitz’s mental health or Jemma’s grieving process, but she feels like it’s alright. They don’t need to stress this today. Today is for something else.

When it’s time to leave, they gather their things in silence, feeling a bit uncertain.

 “Can we meet again?” Jemma asks hopefully, before their ways part.

Fitz looks up.  
The sudden surprise in his eyes hurts her heart.  
“You want to?” He asks.

“Of course, I want to,” she says quietly. “I want to be with you more than anything else.”

“Okay,” Fitz says.

*

They start to meet regularly.

Their talks get longer.  
There are more smiles and careful touches.  
It feels like a slow, but steady approach.  
They’re walking towards each other on a bridge of hope, just a few steps apart.

One day, Jemma carefully lays her hand on Fitz’s on the table.    
He doesn’t pull back, but she can feel his tension.  
She looks at him.  
There’s a question in her eyes.  
Fitz sees it. And it makes him swallow nervously.

“I don’t know if I’m enough,” he breathes.

And Jemma understands.  
“Then let me show you that you are,” she whispers.

She slowly leans towards him, until their faces are so close, that their noses almost touch. She can feel his quickening breath on her face. His eyes are wide open and there’s a bead of sweat on his forehead.

Jemma licks her lips.  
“Okay?” She asks.

“Okay,” he says barely audible.

She kisses him.

He makes a small, desperate noise in his throat, laying a hand on her cheek.  
After a moment, he kisses her back, and she hums approvingly.  
When they part, they look at each other, breathing heavily.

Something’s different.

It’s in the air and in their hearts. It’s like some kind of electric tension between them.

And this time, when it slowly gets dark outside, Fitz finally asks, “Can you stay?”

“Yes,” Jemma breathes.

*

Jemma moves in with Fitz.  
No one on the Zephyr is surprised, when she packs her suitcases.

Daisy hugs her tight.  
“I’m so happy for you,” she tells her. “I’m happy for you two. You’re going to be alright. As long as you are together.”

“Thanks Daisy,” Jemma says, smiling at her. “Thanks for being there for me the last months. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Daisy shakes her head, returning the smile.  
“Hey. That’s what friends are there for, right?”

“Right,” Jemma says, nodding, tears burning in her eyes again.

*

Fitz shows her the hut.  
It’s old and small but cozy.  
Jemma can hear the wind whistling through the rooms quietly. She likes it.

Soon, she discovers the small notes everywhere. They are written in Fitz’s slightly inclined handwriting. They tell her about what’s real and what isn’t. Sometimes, they sound like desperate mantras.

“An advise of my therapist,” Fitz says with a vague hand gesture. “It helps. Sometimes.”

*

A little while later, they’re sitting on the bed, Fitz’s pill bottles and schedules for sleeping and eating between them. After Fitz showed them to her, Jemma immediately started to memorize them. She’s determined to help Fitz as much as possible.

She doesn’t want to imagine how many panic attacks he must have lived through here. Alone.  
She doesn’t want to.  
But she can’t help but do it anyway.  
It hurts her heart.

Fitz throws her a careful glance from time to time.  
He nervously fumbles with his hands.  
“We don’t have to stay here forever,” he eventually says. “When … when I’m better, we could move to Perthshire. We could buy a cottage. Just like you always imagined it.”

Jemma shakes her head. She takes one of his hands in hers, squeezing it lightly.  
“This is perfect Fitz,” she tells him seriously. “I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.”

He looks at her, his eyes filling with adoration and careful happiness.  
“Me neither,” he breathes. “Thanks for being there, Jemma.”

They kiss again.  
It feels like home.

*

In the evening Jemma’s laying in bed, listening to Fitz’s breaths in the dark.  
She feels his warmth beside her and it almost makes her sob with joy.  
Finally she doesn’t feel split in two anymore. Their souls are together again, back where they belong.  
She searches for Fitz’s hand under the duvet, carefully holding it.  
She falls asleep a few moments later, her dreams light and hopeful.


	9. Epilogue

There are still unspoken words.

They leave each other little notes everywhere in the flat.  
Sometimes it’s just a simple “I love you”.  
But it makes them so happy, that the shadows of the day aren’t that dark anymore.

There are still unspoken words.

When Jemma wakes up from a nightmare, screaming or crying, Fitz wordlessly pulls her into his arms, holding her, until she can feel real again.  
He’s like an anchor.

When Fitz is caught in another panic attack, Jemma wraps him in a blanket and is there.  
She lays a hand on his shoulder, humming a song they know and love.  
She’s there.

There are still unspoken words.

They watch the sunset from their porch in comfortable silence, holding hands.  
They look each other in the eyes, knowing they are going to be alright. 

 

They’re going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it.  
> The last chapter! 
> 
> I enjoyed this little project. It was challenging from time to time, since I don't do first POV much and also don't like to read it that much, but it was worth it :)  
> Thanks for every click, kudo, comment and bookmark <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a native speaker and always grateful for being corrected! I'm constantly trying to improve my English, so please don't hesitate to tell me about mistakes. <3
> 
> Visit me on tumblr: [ready-to-kick-some-ass](https://ready-to-kick-some-ass.tumblr.com/) :)


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